Jasper and Silas Go Fishing

On a delightfully sunny morning, two Amish friends, Jasper and Silas, settled in at their favorite pond for a day of fishing. As they baited their hooks, they rejoiced in the glorious day.

Silas smiled at his friend. "Jasper, God hath blessed us with a fine day to employ our primitive fishing methods. It is, of course, his holy will that we shun the evil fishing technology of the heathen world."

Jasper glanced east and west, leaned toward his friend, and spoke in a low voice. "Silas, canst thou keepeth a secret?"

Silas frowned and, in turn, leaned toward Jasper. "What, pray tell?"

Jasper whispered, "I possess a forbidden fishing lure."

Silas's gasp could be heard from afar. Jasper reached over and clasped his hand over his friend's mouth. "Shush. The elders must not discover my violation of our religious doctrine. They wouldst surely banish me from the colony, exposing me to the decadent ways of modern civilization. Sacrileges like electric can openers and the TV program "Glee."

Once Jasper released his hand, Silas nodded and rubbed his bushy beard. "God forbid. But let me see this sinful transgression. This worldly curse. This shameless affront to the Almighty."

"Thou needn't be so melodramatic. It doth maketh me feel guilty."

"My baddeth. Nevertheless, I would like to see for myself this tool of the devil that shall condemn thee to eternal gnashing of teeth in the lake of fire."

Jasper reached into his pocket, grasped a shiny new lure, and held it before his friend's widening eyes. Silas unleashed a long, low whistle. "Where didst thou begotten this graven image?"

"I found it amongst the grass. Surely God would not have bestowed it there had he not intended for me to use it."

Silas stared at the lure. "What is the exact name for this unholy yet intriguing mechanism?"

"It is known as the Johnson XR-9, complete with jointed swivel." Jasper paused. "Silas, there is something else."

"What, my unscrupulous friend?"

Jasper again reached into his pocket and pulled out an identical lure. "God hath blessed me with two."

Silas gazed back and forth at the ungodly lures. "I am awestruck. I feel I am in a den of iniquity."

Jasper placed his hand on his friend's shoulder. " Silas, thou can useth one."

Silas 's eyes narrowed. "Thou art as the serpent in the Garden of Eden who temptest with vile deceptions." He paused. "Then again, if thou canst get away with it, why canteth I?"

Nervously glancing around, the two friends attached their lures, and cast them into the water. Within minutes, they both felt vigorous jerks that nearly yanked them into the lake.

"I have hooketh a whopper," cried Jasper.

"As have I," cried Silas.

Struggling to reel their catch in, they soon realized their lines had tangled together, and only one fish had been hooked.

"It seemeth we hath a predicament," said Jasper.

Silas nodded. "Let us set our poles down and pulleth our lines in by hand.'

They did so and, finally managing to drag a huge bass onto shore, marveled as it flopped at their feet.

Jasper flashed a triumphant smile. "'Tis my fish. I felt it tug at my line first."

Silas frowned. "Nay. 'Twas I who first felt the pull of this sacred bass."

Jasper raised his voice, "Nay. The Lord hath even rendered a miracle to prove I caught it." He pointed down. "Behold. This fish resembles my Uncle Ezekiel. See the bulging eyes and scaly skin?"

Undeterred, Silas, too, pointed toward the fish. "Nay, it more closely resembleth my wife Jezebel. Observe how its mouth constantly moveth up and down."

The two men glowered at each other then raised their fists in a fighting stance. As they did, a dark cloud materialized above them. A bolt of lightning blasted down and struck the fish, pulverizing it to dust.

A thundering voice roared from the sky. "What hath thee used to catch that monster of a fish?"

Trembling, Jasper dropped to his knees and bowed his head. "Lord, I confess. We hath used a Johnson XR-9."

The heavenly voice boomed louder: "Complete with one of those jointed swivels?"

Silas, too, shivered and dropped to his knees. "Yes, my Lord."

The two men shook as the voice rumbled on. "How dare ye worship idolatrous fishing tackle. Worse yet, ye now fight over the fish caught from that evil device. Thus hath your wicked greed poisoned thine friendship."

As Jasper and Silas groveled, the stern voice softened. "But verily I say unto thee. Just this once, I shall let ye guys off the hook. Uh, no pun intendeth. But should I see one more forbidden lure, I shalt do unto thee what I hath just done to that fish."

Jasper lifted his eyes to the sky. "You mean zappeth us?"

The voice thundered back. "To smithereens!"

With that, the cloud miraculously dispersed, and a forgiving sun once again blanketed the two men with warmth. Without speaking, they humbly resumed the chore of untangling their lines, occasionally exchanging awkward glances.

At length, Silas cleared his throat. "The Lord's utmost wrath was provoked by your sinful acquisition of those lures."

Jasper stopped and glared at Silas. "But thou cannot sayeth much. Thou hath indulged in the forbidden practice as well."

"Regardless, thou must admit it was I who truly caught that fish."

"Nay! "Twas mine!"

"Mine!"

The dark cloud once again began forming above them. The two men grew pale as a faint grumble reverberated through the air. Jasper shuddered and quickly turned to Silas. " Uh, I mispoketh, my cherished friend. I meant to say that fish was indeed thine."

Silas gulped. "Nay, my most treasured companion. 'Twas undoubtedly thine."

As the cloud again swirled away, the two men gazed at each other, tears of shame filling their eyes. They humbly embraced, vowing to never again let a Johnson XR-9 with jointed swivel come between them.

The Endeth