Manly Tasks

by T B Botts

I'm sure that most of you have heard of a bender, you know, a wild drinking spree? Well lately, it seems I've been on a spender. Money seems to be running through my fingers like water. For example, Jan and I were with our daughter, Autumn this past week. We went in to Anchorage to look for a recliner for me. Jan wanted to buy it for me for Christmas, which is kind of soon, but as it turned out, it was good we went in when we did, as they had to actually make the chair with the right color fabric, which was not in stock. It will be several months before it's ready. On the way home, I happened to mention that I needed to get an air compressor. The tires on the garden cart, the snow blower and the hand cart were all in desperate need of air. I tried to move a huge flower pot from the front of the house to the side last week using the hand cart, and just about got a hernia. The tires were almost flat, thus rendering them useless. Autumn looked on her phone and discovered that Lowes had a Craftsman air compressor on sale, so I went and bought it. What they don't tell you is that it doesn't come with the hose or any of the accessories that make the tool useful. So that was an extra $24.95, on top of the $99.00 for the compressor. The hits keep on coming.

Today Jan wanted me to vacuum the living room and the upstairs bedrooms. I fully intended to do that, but by the time we went to the post office and the pharmacy, she was tired and wanted to take a nap. I can't very well vacuum when she's sleeping, so I thought I'd go put together the compressor.

You'd think the thing would come fully assembled, but you would be wrong, just like me. The handle and the screws to attach the handle, were in a separate plastic bag. It says on the instructions to use a screwdriver. OK, fine. I looked at the screws, and they needed a star type screwdriver, which I don't have. Fortunately, I had a star bit for my drill, which meant I had to dig around and get the drill out and put the stupid handle on. Of course the bit isn't long enough to push the screws all the way in, so I had to diddle around and pull the bit way out of the drill to make it work. It's never anything simple with me.

In a separate bag was the hose and a bunch of accessories; two quick disconnect fittings, a tire fill fitting, a fitting with a trigger so you can blow air, a needle for blowing up balls, which by the way, in the instructions it says not to try to fill balls with the compressor, go figure, some other things I can't describe and some teflon tape to wrap the fittings so the air doesn't escape.

When I was younger, I was always in too much of a hurry to read the directions. Now that I'm mature, I read the directions after I've found out I don't know what I'm doing. I finally got everything put together and turned the blasted thing on. It worked perfectly, filling the air tank with air like it was supposed to, but when I tried to fill the tires, no air came out. Now what? Good Lord in heaven!!! Why can't I just be like every other guy? They seem to have a natural talent for doing manly things. I'm a man. I have tools. I like women. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm apparently missing the handyman gene. I re-read the directions, which told me nothing I didn't already know, then decided to turn a pressure valve past the point that I'd turned it before. As a general rule, I have a tendency to twist something beyond what it was supposed to go, or thead a cap on crooked or something. In this case I thought, if I break it, I'll just take it back to Lowes and say the damn thing didn't work. I twisted the knob beyond what I thought was safe, and it worked! Miracles still do happen! Hallelujah!

I started filling the snow blower tires, and got one tire filled when I thought I'd better see how much air it is supposed to have. I found out that it didn't need the almost twenty pounds I'd put in. If I wanted traction, I need to only fill it to eight or ten pounds, so I had to get a screw driver and let some air out. I went through the same procedure with the other one. Then I thought that I better check the recommended tire pressure on the garden cart. Of course I had to come in and look it up on the computer. I managed to get the tires almost uniform. It's surprising how much easier it moves when there is air in the tires. Imagine, round tires, what a concept!

I then decided to try the nozzle that blows air with the trigger. I opened the hood on my car and tried to blow out months worth of accumulated dust, but pretty much to no avail. While I had the hood open, I thought, may as well fill the reservoir for the windshield washer fluid. I had to get a funnel, and still almost over filled the darn thing.

While I had the nozzle on I decided to blow the leaves out of the garage. It did an OK job, not great, but I'm still getting the hang of this. After looking around, I decided there were no more tasks that required the air compressor, so I drained out the air, took off the hose, and put the compressor in the box it came in. I tried to close the lid, but it wouldn't close because the stupid handle that I screwed on makes it too high. You would think they would splurge and spend an extra fifteen cents on some cardboard to make the box bigger, but nooooooo... I can tell you this, I'm not taking the handle off. It's staying right where it is until I manage to break it off somehow.

I honestly don't know how the simple task of filling a few tires with air can take up several hours of my day, but it happens. So ladies, if your husband goes to do a simple chore and doesn't return for half a day, don't worry. He's doing manly things, and it takes time.

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Recognized

Most fellows are naturally gifted. They can fix cars, cut down trees, drive tractors and hang sheetrock. While I've done all those things, they have never come easily for me. I recall my dad, who was a contractor, telling me to give him the square. I looked around at the assortment of tools, saw nothing square whatsoever, and handed him the level. He looked at me with disbelief and asked if I didn't know the difference. Of course I didn't. Now I know, but at the time it was all foreign. At 73, I can certainly do things I couldn't when I was young, but at times, the every day manly things can still provide a challenge.

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