| Satire Fiction posted May 13, 2025 | Chapters: |
...7 8 -9- 10... 
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Evidence is mounting to show HOA malfeasance
A chapter in the book Milton vs the HOA
Milton vs the HOA - Chapter 9
by Jim Wile
| Background A meek accountant moves into the HOA from hell. |
Recap of Chapter 8: Milton and Esme pay Betty Kleinsmith, the 85-year-old senile treasurer of the HOA, a visit. After some polite conversation with her and her 35-year-old granddaughter, Rosemary, who is visiting for the summer, Milton begins asking Betty some questions about the HOA’s finances.
Betty shows Milton a list of dues payments made by the members every month, but six of them are conspicuously absent. The ghostly George also begins looking through the bank statements and begins memorizing them. The rest see the pages of the notebook containing the statements flipping over but attribute it to a breeze blowing them. George communes with Milton that there is some very revealing information in those statements.
Milton and the equally shy Rosemary begin sneaking peeks at each other.
Chapter 9
“He was certainly a pleasant young man, that Melvin, wouldn’t you say, dear?”
“Yes, Gram. He was, but I’m pretty sure he said his name was Milton.”
“Milton, Merton, Mutton—no matter. He was very nice. When are you going to get back on the horse, dear? Don’t you think it’s about time?”
“I don’t know, Gram. I’m content the way things are for now.”
“I just hate to see one bad apple spoil everything for you, Rosie.”
“One bad apple? Gram, the man was a monster. I can’t tell you the hell he put me through. Sometimes I feel lucky to even be alive. I don’t know if I can ever trust again after that.”
“Just don’t give up trying, dearest. All men are not like that one. Just keep an open mind.”
“I’ll try. I think I’m going to shower now and then go to the church to practice for the services tomorrow. I’m still just getting used to that giant organ.”
“Would you mind if I come with you? I love to hear you play.”
“Sure, Gram.”
Walking home together, Esme said, “Don’t think I didn’t notice you and Rosemary eyeing each other.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Milton, beginning to blush.
“Oh, now, don’t be embarrassed. She’s a wonderful girl. She was once in a horrible marriage to a man who beat her up, but that was a few years back. If you don’t mind my asking, what’s your status with women, Milton? Do you have a girlfriend?”
“I have never had much luck with women. I get awfully nervous around them and tongue-tied. I would like to have a girlfriend, but no one has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in me.”
“Well, it appeared that Rosemary did today.”
“Maybe you’re just seeing things that aren’t really there.”
“You can deny it, if you want to, but I saw what I saw.”
“Speaking of seeing things,” said Milton, eager to change the subject, “what do you make of those asterisks by some of the homeowners’ names on Betty’s grid? Do you think they really prepaid the entire year’s dues?”
“I think it’s highly questionable. I noticed six names that were starred, with two belonging to Dorothy Clodfelter and Penny Smalls—the president and vice president. The other four happen to be good friends of theirs. They comprise a clique in the neighborhood. I think it’s a bit suspicious, personally.”
“If I can view the January bank statement, we ought to be able to tell if there were large deposits of cash ostensibly for those pre-payments.”
“That may be no easy task if it’s up to Dorothy Clodfelter,” lamented Esme.
“Maybe there’s another way.”
After Milton finished a bowl of clam chowder that he’d prepared for himself, it was time to test if George’s newfound photographic memory was reliable. He headed into his den and sat down at his desk.
Can you still remember everything you saw there, Geordie, in terms of those pages from the bank statement?
George instantly appeared to Milton and stood next to him. I’m pretty sure I can, Milton. Would you like to test out my memory first?
How will we do that?
Find me a page of text for me to memorize, and I’ll display it back to you.
Milton pulled one of his old college accounting textbooks from a bookshelf, turned to a page that discussed year-end closings, and held it out for George to peruse.
George studied the page for about two seconds, and Milton’s printer suddenly powered up and began printing it out. Milton pulled it from the printer and compared it to the textbook. It was an exact match.
That’s incredible! And you even sent it to the printer. Alright, I’m convinced. Do you think you could print out the January bank statement and perhaps the February one too?
Not a problem. Here goes.
The printer started up again, and two pages printed out. They looked like exact replicas of a bank statement, including the bank logo and all the boilerplate language in addition to the transactions for the month.
Now, you’ve got to admit that’s a pretty good trick George can do. No, not a trick exactly; that’s what magicians do. Tricks involve sleight of hand, misdirection, optical illusion, and other means of deception. What George does is equivalent to a fax machine, scanner, or copier: store an image and repeat it back later exactly as it was stored. Where exactly was it stored? Not for you to know at this point.
Suffice it to say, it’s a very useful power for an unseen presence to have. Unseen to all but Milton, that is.
Milton examined the pages from the printer. On the January bank statement, there were a number of smaller deposits of $300, corresponding to single-month dues payments, but he saw no deposits for $3,600, which would be a year’s worth of payments. There should have been six of those if the asterisks on Betty’s grid meant what she said they meant.
He tried looking at the February statement in case there was a delay in those large deposits, but again, nothing.
I don’t suppose you happened to peek at the December 2024 statement, did you, Geordie?
Credit me with a little initiative, Milton. Just in case, for some unknown reason, they paid early, I took the liberty of peeking at that one too. In fact, I looked at all of 2024. Here comes December’s statement now.
Milton reached for the page coming off the printer and scanned it quickly. No large transactions of $3,600.
Well, that’s one reason the dues seem exorbitantly high for the services performed: Apparently, only 36 of the 42 members are actually paying dues. They are subsidizing the six who are not. I have to share this with Esme.
What if she asks you how you came by this information? I presume you’ll show her the statements?
Yes, I’m sure she’ll want to see them. I suppose I could tell her I am fairly tech-savvy, and being an accountant, I’m privy to a number of techniques for retrieving data. It isn’t a lie, just not the answer to her question.
That's good. There’s nothing wrong with maintaining an aura of mystery about you. People have underestimated you all your life, present company included, but I think I sense an awakening in you, and it’s all for the good.
By the way, during 2024, I noticed a number of rather large deposits and withdrawals from the account, but I think these may require discussion with Esme to be able to make sense of them. Would you like me to print these for you as well?
Yes, please do.
The printer began spitting out more pages.
Now then, let’s talk a little bit about Miss Rosemary Kleinsmith.
Must we, Geordie?
I think we must. It was obvious to me you were quite attracted to her, and she to you.
Oh, I hardly think so. I to her: yes, but I’m sure you’re exaggerating her attraction to me. Was I being that obvious about it?
No, but I could tell. I could sense your pulse rate increase when you were sneaking peeks at each other. And that was even when she was dressed like a schlub in work clothes and sweaty from work. You aren’t that nattily dressed yourself, and yet, you both seemed able to see beyond that.
Don’t deny these feelings, Milton. I know you’ve been lonely. There is an aura of sadness and despair about Miss Kleinsmith. Maybe you would be good for each other. I think your friend, Esme, agrees with me. Don’t just dismiss it out of hand.
Later that afternoon, Milton was invited to afternoon tea, and he brought the copies of the bank statements with him.
“I don’t know how you were able to get your hands on these, Milton. You’re obviously a very clever man. I think these establish a clear case of wrongdoing on the part of the HOA Board. Imagine letting the rest of us subsidize the dues of Dorothy, Penny, and their friends!”
“But that might only be the tip of the iceberg. I have a number of questions for you concerning some of these other large deposits and withdrawals. Let’s start with all these $2,000 deposits in April and May of 2024. Could you tell me what these were for?”
Esme thought for a moment. “We were assessed an additional $2,000 each for road repairs after the winter.”
“That makes sense because there are exactly 36 of them. Most likely, those same six who don’t pay dues were also not assessed for the road repairs. And here’s a large withdrawal for $70,000 a month later, presumably for the repairs. Can you recall what was done for that amount of money?”
“All I can remember they did on the road was repair a few potholes with cold patch. Nothing that would warrant a $70,000 expenditure.”
“Do you happen to know the name of the vendor who did the pothole repairs?” asked Milton.
“Yes. The company that does all our road repairs is called Preston Solutions. Their name and logo are on the truck. Milton, I think it’s time we pay Dorothy Clodfelter a visit.”
 Recognized |
Milton Frobish: A meek 41-year-old accountant, who moves into an HOA with his brother, George.
George Frobish (Geordie): The 44-year-old invalid brother of Milton. After his death, George becomes a ghost that only Milton can see.
Esme Green (pronounced Ez-may): Milton's next-door neighbor. She is 75.
Dorothy Clodfelter: The president of the Riverwood HOA.
Penny Smalls: The vice president of the Riverwood HOA.
Betty Kleinsmith: The treasurer of the Riverwood HOA.
Rosemary Kleinsmith (Rosie): Betty's adult granddaughter. She is 35.
Picture courtesy of Imagen-3
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© Copyright 2025. Jim Wile All rights reserved.
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