| Satire Fiction posted May 10, 2025 | Chapters: |
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Milton and Esme visit the Kleinsmiths
A chapter in the book Milton vs the HOA
Milton vs the HOA - Chapter 8
by Jim Wile
| Background A meek accountant moves into the HOA from hell. |
Recap of Chapter 7: Having been rebuffed by Dorothy Clodfelter in his attempts to get a copy of the CCRs, Milton discovers that he can get an electronic copy from the county recorder’s office. He downloads one and begins reading it. He discovers a number of infractions the current Board is guilty of and discusses this with Esme. She also schools him on financial matters in the neighborhood, painting a suspicious picture of misappropriation of funds. Together they decide to visit Betty Kleinsmith, the senile treasurer on the Board, to figure out what’s happening to the money.
Chapter 8
On Friday night, Milton got a call from Esme.
“I called Betty Kleinsmith this evening, Milton, and I told her I would like to come visit her tomorrow morning and that I wanted to introduce her to a nice young man who recently moved into the neighborhood. She said she would be delighted to meet you. Why don’t we walk over to her house together tomorrow morning at 9:00?”
“That would be splendid, Esme. Did you tell her why we wanted to see her?”
“No. We’ll let that come up naturally in the conversation. Betty has quite a sweet tooth, so I will bring a coffee cake with me. We’ll enjoy some cake and conversation, and I’ll gently steer it around to the HOA and what she does for it. Don’t be too hard on her, though, Milton. If the books are a mess, I would almost bet that that’s the way Dorothy Clodfelter prefers it. She will have a scapegoat in Betty if she’s ever called on it. Betty will have done her best, but, as I’ve said, she’s losing it.”
“I promise to be as polite and grateful to her as I can.”
“I have no doubt you will, Milton.”
It was a beautiful morning in early June when Milton and Esme set out together to meet Betty Kleinsmith. When they arrived at her house, they found her on her hands and knees planting flowers by her front walk. A youngish woman was sitting beside her, removing the flowers from their plastic trays for Betty to plant.
“Good morning, Betty. How nice to see you this lovely spring morning. What are you planting?” asked Esme.
“Well, hello, Esme. Haven’t talked to you in ages. It’s so nice to see you again. These are dahlias, my favorites.”
“Well, they’re lovely. Betty, this is Milton Frobish. He moved next door to me about a month ago.”
Betty had just removed her garden gloves, and Milton bent down to shake her hand since she was still kneeling. “It’s very nice to meet you, Mrs. Kleinsmith,” he said, extending his hand to hers.”
After a quick shake, she said, “It’s nice to meet you too, Merton. Help me up, dear.” Milton placed his left hand under her elbow and provided some extra lift. Even so, it was a major effort for Milton to try to raise her. Betty Kleinsmith was an unusually stout woman of 85. On Milton’s third try to hoist her up, Betty’s companion stood and gripped her other arm and helped Milton lift her to her feet.
“Thank you, dears.” She looked at Milton and Esme and said, “I’d like you both to meet my granddaughter, Rosemary.”
“Hello,” said Rosemary quietly. She was dressed in an old pair of baggy jeans and a raggedy, dirt-stained, overly large T-shirt. Her hair was atop her head in a tight bun, although a few strands had escaped and hung down her face, and she was wearing glasses. She was of medium height and possibly slender, but her clothes made it hard to tell. She had a pleasant face, though she kept her eyes downcast.
“Rosemary will be staying with me through the summer,” said Betty.
Esme said, “It’s wonderful to see you again, all grown up now, Rosemary. I can remember when you used to visit your grandmother when you were little. How nice of you to stay for an extended visit. I’m sure she will enjoy the company.”
“Hello,” said Milton.
Rosemary looked briefly up at him and then looked down again.
“She’s a bit on the shy side, but she’s a wonderful companion,” said Betty, causing Rosemary to blush.
“Betty,” said Esme, “it looks like you’ve about finished your flower planting. I’ve brought a coffee cake. Perhaps you’d like to take a break, and we could share a piece together?”
Betty leaned over and sniffed the still warm coffee cake. “Mmm, that smells divine. Why don’t we go inside and have some? Rosie dear, perhaps you could make us some tea to go with it?”
“Sure, Gram.”
When they were all comfortably ensconced in Betty’s living room with their tea and cake, Esme and Betty engaged in polite small talk for several minutes, while Milton and Rosemary sat and said little.
Eventually, Esme said, “Betty, I was sorry to see Cecille move out, but I’m happy Milton has moved in next door. He’s become a wonderful friend. Milton is an accountant, and he and I were talking the other day about the HOA dues and what they pay for, and, well… perhaps you’d like to speak for yourself, Milton.”
“Yes, Mrs. Kleinsmith, I was—”
“Call me Betty, please, Merton.”
“It’s Milton, ma’am. As I was going to say, Betty, I only moved in recently, and I didn’t think to research the financial condition of Riverwood before the move, so I have a few questions now, and I figured you would be in the best position to answer them as the treasurer.
“What would you like to know, dear?”
“Could you tell me what our biggest expenses are?”
“Well, that would be landscaping and road maintenance. We own the road, you know.”
“How do you keep track of the revenues and expenditures?”
“The what, dear?”
“The money coming in and the money going out.”
“Well, I keep track on a pad of paper whenever I receive a dues payment. Let me show you. Rosie, sweetie, could you fetch me that yellow pad there on the desk, please?”
When Rosemary handed her the pad, Betty invited Milton to sit beside her on the sofa so that she could show him her work that she was quite proud of.
“Down the side are all the names of the residents, and across the top are each of the months so that we have a nice grid. When I get a payment, I mark the amount in the correct box. You see, Morton, there’s your name right there, although it appears I’ve misspelled it. No matter; I’ll fix it later.”
“What are the asterisks by some of the names, Betty? I don’t see any numbers on those lines.”
“Those are the prepaids who paid it all upfront in January.”
“I see. Do you also keep track of the monthly statements from the bank where you presumably maintain a checking account?”
She hesitated then. “Now what was it Dorothy instructed me not to show anyone? Hmm, was it the bank statements? I don’t remember now, but I think maybe you should ask her about it.”
Don’t worry about it, Milton. I’ve got this handled.
What do you mean, Geordie?
I mean, I’m memorizing the pages of this notebook where she keeps the monthly bank statements. I’ll share it with you at home.
Milton glanced at the desk, and he could see an open notebook, and pages were slowly flipping over. He was surprised, and it registered on his face. The others turned to look at what he was staring at and were treated to the sight of the pages of an open notebook slowly turning over.
How are you doing that? I thought you couldn’t make things move?
Apparently, I was mistaken. I guess something as light as paper I’m able to move after all. There’s some fascinating information in these pages, Milton.
And you can memorize the pages, even while talking to me? How are you able to do that? You were never all that bright while alive, Geordie, I hate to say.
I don’t quite know how I’m doing it, but it’s as if I have a photographic memory now.
Betty said, “Rosie dear, do you suppose you could close that window there by the desk? Apparently, the breeze is quite strong.”
Rosemary hopped up from her chair to close the window.
Better finish up quickly, Geordie.
All done, Milton. Just in time.
“I will simply ask Dorothy about the bank statements some other time if I have any further questions,” said Milton. “Just one last item for you, Betty: Do you prepare a monthly financial statement for the Board and for the community if they wish to see it?”
“Well, I used to, but no one ever asked to see it, and Dorothy says she doesn’t need it, so I stopped some time ago.”
“Thank you, Betty. That’s all the questions I have. I appreciate your sharing with me. I’ve never lived in an HOA before, and I just wanted to know how it works.”
They chatted for a while longer with Esme and Betty doing most of the talking. Milton and Rosemary sat quietly, only speaking when asked a direct question and answering with as few words as possible. Each, however, would steal quick glances at the other. Twice, they caught one another looking and quickly looked away.
Soon it was time to go, and, following goodbyes and promises to keep in touch, Milton and Esme headed home. To Milton, it had proved to be a very interesting morning—in more ways than one.
 Recognized |
Milton Frobish: A meek 41-year-old accountant, who moves into an HOA with his brother, George.
George Frobish (Geordie): The 44-year-old invalid brother of Milton. After his death, George becomes a ghost that only Milton can see.
Esme Green (pronounced Ez-may): Milton's next-door neighbor. She is 75.
Dorothy Clodfelter: The president of the Riverwood HOA.
Penny Smalls: The vice president of the Riverwood HOA.
Betty Kleinsmith: The treasurer of the Riverwood HOA.
Rosemary Kleinsmith (Rosie): Betty's adult granddaughter. She is 35.
Picture courtesy of Imagen-3
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© Copyright 2025. Jim Wile All rights reserved.
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