Humor Fiction posted August 27, 2023

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The Good Old Boys Club now closed.

A Farewell to Humpwhistle

by Terry Broxson

On a Thursday at 4:30 p.m. in the Eastern Time Zone, Ric Myworld turns on his computer and looks out over the pool from the large window in his den. Ric's two hundred seventy-five-acre horse ranch is twenty-five miles east of downtown Cincinnati, Ohio.

At 3:30 p.m. in the Central Time Zone, Terry sits in front of his computer and looks at the outdoor thermometer on his fourth-floor condo balcony in the Northern suburbs of Dallas. The temperature is currently 112. He adds ice from an ice bucket to a glass of Jack Daniels.

At 1:30 p.m. in the Western Time Zone, Jay Squires sits in his Lazy Boy Recliner, opens his laptop, and logs in to the scheduled Zoom call from his classic Adobe-style home in Bakersfield, California. On the table next to the recliner is a large glass of Lipton's iced tea.

Jay asked, "Ric, what are you drinking in that crystal tumbler?"

"This is some Casamigos Tequila. I played in the World Series of Poker a while back, and my friend George Clooney happened to be at the same table. Unfortunately, we both were eliminated. He gave me a bottle of this tequila. George started the company with a couple of buddies. Today, the company is worth a billion dollars."

"Dang, Ric, that's some pretty high cotton you're in. How does it taste?"

"Terry, it's somewhere between gasoline and what might come out of a horse. But don't tell George I said that."

Jay assured his friend, "Don't worry. I haven't talked to George lately. But somebody who owns a horse ranch and vintage cars like you do is probably an expert in these things."

"Ric, Jay, before we address the elephant in the room about Humpwhistle leaving FS."

Ric interrupted. "Terry, Humpwhistle's pen name referenced a whale, not an elephant."

"As usual, I stand corrected. Before we address the whale in the room. We need to talk about a couple of issues that came up from last week's meeting."

Jay inquired, "Like what?"

"For starters, do you remember rattling off all those lady FS members you would consider adding to the Good Old Boys Club?"

"You bet your sweet bibby I do. I'm fond of all of 'em."

"None of the ladies were interested in joining. Except Gretchen, who you did not mention!"

Ric asked. "Yeah, Jay, come to think of it, why didn't you mention Gretchen? I really like her. She is too young for you and Terry, but I might have a chance."

"It's not about age. It's about writing. I've been writing for 67 years. Gretchen's Miranda Chronicles is hilarious. You have to understand competitive writing is a contact sport. She couldn't be the only lady in the Good Old Boys Club; too much visibility."

The camera showed Ric has raised one eyebrow. "Jay, the only contact sport I'm interested in with the ladies doesn't involve writing."

Terry couldn't raise one eyebrow, so he asked, "Are you saying you feel intimated by her writing? What about Ric and my writing?"

"Oh sure, Ric's stories can be intimidating. But with Ric, it's mano mano."

"Jay, you didn't mention me."

"Terry. How's that pen name coming?"

"You know, with Hump leaving and all, I thought maybe Hump Jr. or the Humpster. What do you guys think?"

Ric suggested, "Hamster might work."

Jay, being the elder statesman of the group and the only one drinking iced tea in the afternoon, decided to offer a solemn pronouncement. "Boys, we have to face reality. The Good Old Boys Club is going to have to close. We simply can not go on without our Chairman. It's over."

Ric looked forlornly at the camera, "It's an auspicious occasion and a day of great sadness."

Terry shook his head. "Guys, he didn't die. He's got some reasons and other things to do."

Jay wondered, "Do you guys know how Hump became so wealthy? I never heard."

Ric answered, "I don't. I figured he inherited it."

"As long you guys have known Hump, I'm surprised you don't know the Legend of Humpwhistle."

Jay, who had ambidextrous eyebrows, raised both separately, "Nope, never heard of it."

"Alright, I'll tell you, but keep it to yourself—not for publication. Hump told me this when he stopped to see me last Christmas. He drank a couple of those high-dollar scotch drinks he likes, and I had some Jack Daniels. So, I know I heard the truth. In the early 1990s, Hump worked in the ad business in New York City."

Ric said, "I remember he wrote some cool ads."

Terry continued, "Yes, he did. But shortly after Jeff Bezos founded Amazon, Hump wrote one of the first books Amazon published that became a best seller. If you recall, Amazon only sold books at first."

Jay added, "That's right, and they weren't making any money either."

"Exactly, Hump's book did well, so well that Jeff met with Hump and offered to pay him in Amazon stock options instead of royalties. Hump took the stock deal. By the time Amazon went public, the options turned into 50,000 shares. Today, after a bunch of stock splits, it's worth a little less than $200 million. But he also invested in Apple and a few others."

Stunned by the success of their friend, Jay asked, "What book did he write on Amazon?"

Terry smiled at the camera, leaned in close, and whispered, "That, my friends, created a great irony. The book's title happened to be How to Get Rich in the Age of the Internet. He used a different pen name, but get this...it was fiction."

Ric asked, "You mean Hump scammed everybody?"

"Not at all. It had been clearly labeled fiction, but with this new thing called the internet, everyone thought the book might be right, so they bought it. And sure enough, success followed. Hump always said good fiction came from a good lie and perhaps closer to the truth."

''Terry, that's amazing, no pun intended. What's next for Hump."

"Jay, I'll let you and Ric in on what I know. Some of this will hit the news wire, and some might need discretion. Hump has sold his New York penthouse in The Dakota. He thought he might have trouble getting the Board of Directors to approve the new owner despite their history of allowing artists and musicians. The board has turned down Cher, Billy Joel, and Madonna."

Ric wanted to know, "Okay, who bought his penthouse."

"Taylor Swift. Apparently, some of the board members have grandchildren who are fans. But more exciting for Hump is his new digs will be a villa in Lucerne, Switzerland, overlooking the lake. And he is taking Tiffany along with him."

Jay exclaimed, "Tiffany, his cocktail waitress and snack preparer?"

Terry laughed. "She called the snacks hors d'oeuvres. Hump says she wants to apply for a new job as Mrs. Humpwhistle."

Jay whistled. "She is a beautiful Broadway dancer, but Hump must be twice her age."

"Tiffany told Hump her biological clock started ticking. She's 35. Hump told her his alarm clock had gone off years ago. And while he stayed in pretty good shape, he did have a few questions about certain parts."

Ric sipped on the tequila, laughed, and asked, "What did she say to that?"

"She said she would do an inventory and provide him a report."

All three Good Old Boys started laughing. Ric summed it up. "That's my kind of woman!"

"There is one more thing. This will make the news in a couple of months. Hump will be named to serve on the Pulitzer Prize Committee to determine the Literary awards. But he cautioned if any FS member is ever nominated, he will recuse himself."

Jay's eyes had become a little misty. "What an honor to have known him."

Ric stated, "There has never been a more honorable person on FS than Humpwhistle."

Terry observed, "You are both right as rain on a summer day or a glass of bourbon on a cold night. But remember, he's still alive. However, the Good Old Boys Club must close...no Hump, no club."

***

The previous part of this story has mostly been pure fiction. I'll leave it to your imagination to sort out the truth from the lies. The following section is not fiction.

Some fine writers have recently joined FS, like Tiffany Vail Miller, Bruce Carrington, and Karen Cherry Threadgill. They have already won some contests and are being well received. Maybe one of them or someone else could be the next Humpwhistle. One thing is certain: there are men like Jay and Ric and wonderful ladies who make up this community willing to encourage and help them.

Lee Hill, aka Humpwhistle, has easily been one of the most honored writers on FanStory. His prose, both fiction and nonfiction, has been outstanding for the past 13 years. He has been named Writer of the Year three times—more than 40 times, winner of the Story of the Month, and fifteen times awarded the Golden Seal for Quality Writing. I could not count the wins or number of places he has had in contests. Over 450 people signed up to be fans.

Hump likes to play the guitar. I thought I would play some music for all those who have become friends and fans of his over the years. I hope he approves. And one last thing. It's a tribute to how he signed his reviews when you were lucky enough to get one.

Peace, Lee.

Thank you—your fans and friends on FanStory.

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