The Israelites were being bad again. "Seriously, guys?" sighed God, exasperated.

So God sent them to timeout with their nemesis:

Basic White Girls.

They were basically snotty imperialists, and BFFs with Israel's mortal enemy, Palestine. God let the Israelites flounder in a desert of basic white girl culture for 40 years.

By then, the rebellious batch from earlier all had limp dicks and were collecting Social Security. God figured they'd learned their lesson, and maybe he could cut their grandkids some slack.

Now there was this guy Manoah, but he went by the nickname of "Manure". Word had been getting around that he and the missus were having trouble in the bedroom because of Manure's epic flatulence.

God sent them a banana cream pie by Fedex, with very specific instructions: both Manure and his wife were to eat ONLY BANANAS for the next nine months, and drink no booze, including kombucha.

Manure and his wife followed the instructions. It cured Manure's gas and sure enough, his wife soon came down with morning sickness. She ate extra bananas. That helped some.

Nine months later, when they showed up at the birthing clinic for the delivery, there was a big surprise when she gave birth to a baby gorilla.

God sent an angel over with a young banana tree they could plant in their backyard. The angel gave them strict dietary instructions for their baby gorilla: he should mainly stick to a clean diet of bananas and greens,

and never, EVER consume uncooked green plantains.

Manure's wife (her name was not important, but she had naming rights) named their baby gorilla Samson. God was cool with that name.

***

Gorilla babies grow up faster than human babies, and by age 12, Samson was showing signs of silverback status. His dad signed him up for jujitsu and was thrilled at how fast Samson could tap out his buddies. Samson was strong as shit, and the more silver hairs came in on his back, the stronger he got.



One day Samson sneaked out to a Taylor Swift concert downtown. It was full of basic white girls in Uggs boots, which didn't impress him much, but Taylor gave him the hots. He came home and announced to his parents that he wanted to marry her.

His father and mother replied, "Isn't there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to a Taylor Swift concert to get a wife?"

But Samson said to his father, "Get her for me. She's the one."



So Samson and his dad went to the next Taylor concert in Cincinnati. They met Taylor backstage after the concert, where she and Samson made eyes at each other.

There was a problem though, and his name was Travis Kelcie. He was Taylor's boy toy from Cincinnati who played foozball for the Bengals.

Travis had been watching the post-concert meet and greet and noticed that there was some chemistry going on between his girlfriend and the gorilla. Travis was pissed.

Whipping out his phone, he called up a bunch of his buddies and gave them special instructions.

***

Samson and his dad were walking back to the parking lot after the concert when they heard thunderous noise on the pavement behind them. It was the offensive line from the Bengals.

"Chillax, Dad," Samson assured his father, who looked a bit worried. They had brought a bunch of bananas to eat at the concert, and still had the peels, which Samson extracted from his dad's backpack.

"You think that's gonna hurt us?" laughed one of the offensive linemen.

Samson smirked, while quickly weaving a bunch of the peels together into a sort of fibrous rope. As linebackers charged him, he ruthlessly flayed them. All their protective pads got shredded by the banana peel rope.

As they tried to run, Samson rounded them up and tied them together. Then he borrowed his dad's Bic lighter and set them all on fire. Thick orange and black smoke filled the air as their polyester uniforms melted, decorating the mostly-clean Cincinnati air and returning the hydrocarbons to their natural state.

It was a pleasing aroma to God.

***

Some time went by. Some shit went down. Samson moved on from Taylor after discovering she was a lazy writer and hadn't learned jack from any of the great white girl songwriters who had come before her. Even present-day Britney was better. Samson went to an Ariana Grande concert, met Ariana backstage, and they hit it off. They started dating.



There was just one problem.

Ariana also had basic white girl fans. And they were all out for revenge on Samson for having dissed Taylor. They pressed Ariana to figure out the secret to Samson the Silverback's strength so they could get him permanently #cancelled.

Arianna could be cute, but also annoying. She had a beautiful voice but could mimic annoying voices. "What's the secret to your strength, Babe?" she pressed him one day.



"Uh, I can't eat banana chips," he lied. Ariana sneaked some powdered banana chips into his dinner that evening and called her white girl friends over after Samson fell asleep. But Samson woke up and smacked them around.

Ariana pressed Samson again for his secret. Banana pudding, he claimed. She tried the same thing as before, with predictable results.

After this, Ariana got super annoying, nagging Samson day and night for the secret to his strength. Samson finally couldn't take it anymore and told her that uncooked green plantains were a no-no.

You can guess what happened that evening. The antioxidants from the green plantains were fast-acting. They caused Samson's silver hair to turn black, and it would not go back to silver, and his strength waned. When the Basic White Girls showed up that evening, they tore Samson to shreds. They also bombed his social media profiles and shamed everyone from attending his memorial service.

That's why you've never heard of Samson the Silverback Gorilla til now.